What are the unique challenges of step parenting?
Bill X asked:
I’ve heard that general family counselors can do more harm than good when it comes to advising people on their step parenting issues. You need a specialist, is what I was told.
So, what are the unique challenges of a step parent dealing with a step child? What are the most important issues to look out for? I’ve heard that sometime the step parent just has to put up with being disrespected. They should just suck it up and let the bio parent deal with it. What say you all?
I forgot to say that the bio-mom is dead.
And the 3 kids are 14, 16, 17 yrs old.
February 13th, 2008 11:45
the real parent has to step in. u have to prove to the child you are not trying to take their other parents spot u just want to make sure child is safe. kids hate their real parents. it just takes some time and trust
February 15th, 2008 08:05
No you don’t put up with disrespect…
I had two stepsons, thankfully their mother did a wonderful job raising them…
We talked and i told them i will respect them as long as they show me respect…I put up with crude from no one, they knew this…
Discipline would be i think the most difficult part…This is something all three of you have to talk about…It would be a good thing if you had a good relationship with bio mom…You don’t have to be friends, just respectful to one another…
You, husband/wife (or future husband/wife) and kids need to sit down and talk about what is expected from each other…Let the kids talk to, they play a big part in this…
February 17th, 2008 00:39
Here are the issues I think step parents have to deal with:
1) Some kids still haven’t gotten over the trauma of the divorce. Some kids still secretly hold out hope deep down that their mom and dad will one day get back together and YOU (the step mom) are the one person ruining that dream. So, they sometimes take out their anger and issues on you.
2) You’re not just a dream killer in some kids’ eyes - you’re also a person trying to act like their mom when they know they have a mom. They may get an attitutde when you try to discipline them.
3) The father isn’t willing to let you discipline them or doesn’t stand with you as an equal partner in the child rearing. He lets the kids walk all over you because he still holds guilt from putting them through the divorce.
4) The ex doesn’t want you to have anything to do with raising her children so she’ll try to interfere or be rude as much as possible. It mainly stems from insecurity that they’ll start to love you more - and then what is she left with? You have the love of her husband AND her kids. Some women fear that so much that they’ll do anything to stop their children from bonding w/ the step parent.
While all of these issues CAN be worked out, it just takes time and marrying a partner who understands. If you’re marrying a guy with kids, he HAS to know that you expect to be respected in YOUR home by his kids. He needs to be willing to stand up for you both to his ex-wife and his children. They should KNOW that your word goes just like their biological mother. And in a perfect world, all 3 parents work together for the good of the child and can at least act civil for the sake of the child. Kids are always going to be in conflict as long as the adults in his or her life are fighting. When the adults finally realize that, then they can all move on to a healthier, happier r’ship. One of the best things is when an ex can genuinly say “you know what….I didn’t make him happy. We just weren’t good together but I’m so glad she does. I want that for your dad.”