Advice about step-parenting after bitter divorce and remarriage?
Hoosier Mom asked:
* Note: Posted in parenting but got 2 responses - looking for practical advice, know we need to work together but bio Mom not ok w/that
14 mo. old boy (mine), step-mom to 6, 9, and 13 year old boys - bio Mom *very* angry at my husby, who used to be her husby. Kids have ADHD, oldest Asperger’s, very difficult to deal with and worse since divorce and her recent (about six months give or take) decision to not supervise and/or discipline boys, though we all love boys dearly. No hope of getting physical custody at moment, though may be over time. Any advice on how to get through this stressful time with the boys, my husby, and myself, while still keeping sane? Already doing the usual - not saying anything bad about bio Mom, showing and telling boys we love them, spending as much time as possible with boys, doing something about bio Mom where we can and hoping time will take care of what we can’t control at moment. Husby and I agree on discipline and are about 50/50 with it, which boys accept well, but still lots of problems including concerns about bio Mom, and lots of tantrums, lying and stealing by boys.
January 25th, 2008 05:37
The children need structure especially in a time like this. Maybe you and hubby don’t agree because he is lenient or feels sorry for them. Well don’t , they still have both parents! And as for the lying and stealing they need to know that’s not okay and be disciplined for it. The children need to know that you both love them but the kind of behavior will not be tolerated!
January 27th, 2008 10:02
I feel for you! I was once a step-mom and had to deal with what I thought was a bitter ex wife… come to find out, hubby was still in love with her and only used me to “bug” her…. anyway, I’m going to tell you that you are doing the very best you can do under the circumstances! Giving the boys unconditional love mixed with serious consequences for bad bahaviour is the best thing. The boys, regardless of ADHD, are going to lie and cause problems just to play the adults against each other. If you catch them stealing, take away something of theirs for 3 weeks. And tell them that they are setting a bad example for baby brother. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about bio mom except bite your tongue. The fact that you are refraining from verbalizing your feeling about her in front of the boys says that YOU are the better person!!! See if you can get the court to modify the custody arrangement prohibiting her from making disparaging remarks about dad and you! Good Luck and remember that love counts for a lot!
January 28th, 2008 16:21
the main thing speaking as a child of divorce myself. is you need to understand that no matter what you do you will always be the “step-parent”. and if you attempt any discpline yourself all they will think is you’re not my parent so i don’t have to listen to you. even if they obey you they will be resentful and may get back at you in passive agressive ways, or as it sounds like in your situation stealing. let your husband do the disciplining and for the most part stay out. i always hated it when my dad would tell me to stop it because it was upsetting my step-mom. it made me want to do it more.
with the mother you have to have to refrain from criticizing her. not even just in front of the boys but in any situation. kids are very perceptive, I always knew when my parents were upset at each other even if they never said it to me. i also overheard alot so be careful. it is natural for them to want to defend her. one of the major things i always hated about my step-mom was that she didn’t know my mom like i did and yet she thought she knew more about her.
just remember to treat the kids equally regardless of who’s child they are, age, or situation.
January 31st, 2008 03:12
It sounds like you are doing everything possible. However why not try counseling for all of you. Catholic Charities usually provides this counseling and depending on finances is free. Mom may be very angry thinking you stole hubby and may be afraid you want to take her kids too. she may want to be the good mom so they love her more…just some thoughts. she may need to know that she will always be their mom. I think counseling as a group would be good so you can learn to work together for the boys.
February 3rd, 2008 03:22
Honestly the bio mom probably has good reason to be angry with your husband. Not saying anything bad about him but in all reality there is probably some things there and you as the “new” wife just can’t understand. In some ways she is jealous and hurt….wouldn’t you be….seeing someone you had three children with marry someone else and then have a “new” family is tough. I know she is probably a pain in the rear right now, but try to just go a little easy on her. I can tell you raising a child with aspengers is tough in itself. I have a nine year old with ASD and its no walk in the park even on a good day. Now she is doing it alone, try to relate. Trust me…kill her with kindness…eventually she will chill out. Whatever you do don’t let the kids know there is any animosity there, play nice….