Where can I get advice on step-parenting?
Darcy T asked:
I have been a step-parent for 10 years. My daughter is 14. She is a pretty typical teen, I think… I have been lucky to never have heard the “Youre not my mom” thing. I think my question is really with my husband. Where are my boundries on what to take care of and what not with regards to her chores, allowance, discipline, etc. I said no to a cell phone, husband got her one and said the minute the bill was over what it should be, that was it. Well I just got a 256 dollar phone bill and a million excuses. This is just one example. I guess I’m feeling unappreciated. I work, clean the house, do all the shopping and bill paying. I also developed her chore list which is so minimal, it’s comical. She gets 14 dollars a week which this last month it’s going toward the phone bill. But then we are “hit up” again and again for more stuff and money. The exwife who gets child support (925 a month) pays for nothing. The 14 year old is the only child.
February 4th, 2008 15:44
Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower, and you it’s only seed.
It’s the heart, afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance.
It’s the dream, afraid of waking, that never takes a chance.
It’s the one, who won’t be taken, who cannot seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
February 5th, 2008 10:48
YOU MIGHT TRY EMAILING DR PHIL. I LIKE HIS ADVICE AND HE KNOWS WHAT HES TALKING ABOUT.
February 5th, 2008 12:37
Step parenting is a thankless job. I raised two. One of the two sees me about once a year. (I’m now divorced from their father). Neither of their REAL parents were worth a darn, still aren’t.
No matter what you do, someone will always undermine your authority. You just can’t win. You can only love her and let her know that you are there for her. But don’t let her walk all over you. Good luck.
February 7th, 2008 08:07
don’t do it let him be dad, and let mom be mom you just be wife!! fight the battles that you can win , you;ll have a better ground to stand on in divorce court!
February 10th, 2008 10:45
Being a step parent isn’t easy and I have yet to find a comprehensive book that helped me out. Just like you I have been in my son by marriage life since he was young. 1 1/2 to be exact. He is 10. It is very easy for children who split their time between parents to manipulate and guilt the other parent because of the situation. Your husband may feel that guilt because of the situation and allow her to do as she feels well…You need to put your foot down. First things first you need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. The whole nasty truth but not in a nasty way. Tell him that you feel under appreciated and why. Let him know that you feel as though you are being taken advantage of. There has been times where I felt i was being bitchy but at the same time this is your house. As the woman of the house who handles just about everything you should have more than equal say so as to what goes down. The ex may not know that the daughter is hitting you’all up for cash. I think it is fair time that the 3 of you…Ex, hubby and yourself have a serious talk. I know with my situ…it wasn’t easy to talk to the Ex since she is very argumentative but I can be so too and so I had to take control of the situation. Hopefully the 3 of you can be civil and come to an understanding as to how this 14 yr old should be handled. If you do not nip it in the bud now she is going to continue and it is only going to get worse. The whole love is patient thing is good but if you don’t act on this one it is going to fester and THAT in itself is not good.
February 11th, 2008 11:46
Stay out of it! to a point, your not her parent. There should be general house rules where you can make a decision when dad is not around. If that’s not possible call your husband everytime there is an issue. You should have a big say as to those “rules” of the house. Your his wife and he needs to be mindful to your feelings on these things As far as hanfing out cash, just say no! Should be no problem with that. Refuse to use your money for her bills and let him use his. This child is obviously not responsible enough to manage her cellphone use. Lock the phone with a security code and only put needed numbers in it that she can call(no friends). Or get her on a pay as you go plan and tell her to pay for her own minutes. This way there is no way you can get a huge bill.