Need opinions on step-parenting and marriage?
Kyle B asked:
Okay, my husband has 2 children who I have been raising for the past 5 years. They are now 7 and 8. He and I have always had our problems - we’re best friends yet worse enemies. I’ve done my best at dealing with them (I’ve NEVER been around children so I was clueless and only 22 when I came into the picture) but when we would argue and be on the verge of splitting I would ask him if I could still at least see them and he would tell me I’d never see them again. So, over time I’ve naturally distanted myself. To make matters worse, in the past year things have really gone down hill - especially since I became pregnant (I’m due any day now). He and I have two totally different ways of parenting. I’m more strict and would prefer a firm set of rules - he doesn’t let them run wild but often I will sit the two kids down and say “Okay, we’re having a problem with this (a certain issue), if you do this again, TV is gone for one day (or something)” and I would make sure they understood it
Well, the time would come when they would break the rule and I would say “Okay, I’m sorry but you know the rule” and I would enforce the set punishment and SO often he would come and say “That’s too harsh” and would undermind me. He does this ALL the time!! If he doesn’t like my tone with them, he’ll correct me in front of them! Well, it’s gotten to where they disrespect me and know he’ll usually back them up and sad to say, I’ve come to resent them for this because I feel like I have no control anymore. And it’s caused even worse problems with our marriage. I have built up nothing but resentment towards all three of them now and I’m angry about it!! And I feel like he puts them first always. So, considering I’m basically the only mother they know and my marriage is in shambles. Don’t you think he and I need to seek counseling and fix the marriage FIRST before we can be able to work on the children as a family? It seems to me that we should be stable before we can raise them?
January 21st, 2008 12:26
Oh honey, you need counseling BAD! I hope he agrees to it or I hate to tell you-things will only get worse when the baby comes along and his first kids come before the new baby!
Get counseling ASAP!!!!
January 22nd, 2008 02:26
The two of you need to be on the same page, about rules and discipline before anything else will change. I am in a similar situation and nothing else will work until hat happens, we have gone to counselling. After that happens the children won’t think oh dad will let me get away with it. The will show more respect for both of you then. Loosing privileges is a good way to discipline for certain behaviours, especially when it has be repeated.
January 24th, 2008 09:18
When parenting together with someone in the same home, you need to be on the same page. That doesn’t mean you have to do things the same, but you both have to have the same goals in parenting and have respect for each other’s methods. That includes you trying to understand him and to show respect for his methods, too.
If you can’t come to this place by just talking to each other, then counseling might help.
Parents are like teachers for children. You may use different methods to teach, but the curriculum and goals need to be the same -and- both need to see the value in the other teacher’s presence and methods in the children’s lives.
January 27th, 2008 10:58
If you are to the point of resenting the children and your husband you need to get marriage and family counseling. It wouldn’t hurt to take some parenting classes also.
One of the biggest stresses to marriage (besides money) is parenting issues. They can be overcome if both parents really want to find ways to resolve the issues. At our house I’m the main disciplinarian because I’m the one who is home with the kids the majority of time. My hubby used to over ride my decisions…after family counseling he realized exactly what kind of chaos that was creating for me. He now stands back and lets me discipline and if he has a problem with the way I handle something he comes to me privately to discuss it. Sometimes I can be overly harsh I have had to learn to bend some. Its what works for us and our family and you need to find stratgies for you and yours ASAP!
Its all about communication and respect! Good luck!