Step- parenting?
pedidoc43 asked:
I have two biological children ( an 8 year old aactive boy and a 12 yearold very independant girl)that currently live with their mother. I am recently remaaried and when my children come to visit- my new wife ( we were married September 1st) and them fight almost all the time. Any ideas- any other step parents out there?
January 17th, 2008 15:45
Stepparents have a reputation of being nasty and not wanting their spouse’s biological children around. I’m not saying that to be mean, but it’s the truth for the most part.
The reason they fight with your new wife is because they see her as the “woman who took dad away from mom.” They see her as a threat to the family they had before, even though you and your ex divorced for other reasons. But that’s just the way children see it.
I think the person who needs to do the most changing is your new wife. She needs to realize that changes must be made slowly, yet consistently. If your kids want her to leave them alone, she needs to respect that. Your kids will test boundaries to see if she respects that. After a while, when they are ready, they will allow her into their lives.
January 20th, 2008 18:09
Well I guess the newness hasn’t worn off yet. What you need to do is sit them down and tell them to get over the resentment and start acting with courtesy and give your new wife a chance. bratty crap will not be tolerated—you better get them to understand that–it is an adult choice to remarry–and you can make adult choices whenever you want to–they are seeing this from a kids eyes and need a shocker to wake them up. You are a parent–so be one–explain your new wife is a parent too and they will respect her. She needs to give it a chance to settle in and not try to be demanding and overbearing. Just call it a truce for a while and tell them no ill mannered actions will be tolerated. They do that crap as a manipulation–better put a stop to it–and always communicate–don’t ignore it.
January 23rd, 2008 05:03
I guess that, I have been lucky. I inherited 2 girls and, 3 boys. they consider Me dad and, I feel the same way. I think You should talk to them separately. explain to Your new wife that, no matter what, they will always be Your kids and, if She plans on sticking around, it would be better if, She got used to them. tell the kids that, even if You and, Your new wife were to split up, there is no chance of You and, their Mom, getting back together. don’t force them together but, try to schedule little things that will bring all of You together. for a short time, at first then, increase the length of these activities, as time goes on and, they get more used to being around each other. above all, hang in there. it’s worth it.
January 24th, 2008 22:19
Blending families is never easy.
You are going to have to play referee for a while.
Your new wife needs to get a handle on her own responses to things… she has to be the adult… she can’t allow herself to be sucked into the kids’ turmoil.
You need to also have a talk with the kids. Tell them they have to adapt. Give them incentives to behave (the carrot) and set some rules. Take away toys and privileges as punishment (the stick). Possible incentives can include shopping, skate-park, ballgames, going out for treats… you name it.
The kids need their own space within your household, just as you and your wife require your own private space.